Ok, so this whole thing with Ushers just flat out stinks. No two ways about it. I have my ups and downs with it, though I try my best to keep the sun shining in my face so I cannot see the shadows. It's hard at times, but I try to keep God as my focus and then I can keep looking forward as a general rule.
However, I do have to confess, I am at a point where I feel like I'm being constantly watched. Especially now that I do have Honey. Don't get me wrong, she has been one of the biggest blessings I've received in life, behind my awesome hubby, kids, and familiy, but now that she is there, there's no hiding that I have a problem seeing. The cane I could fold up and put away and no one knew, unless I bumped into something. I would take Mike's arm and since we are a couple, most didnt realize there was anything at all. But now that Honey is there beside me, doing an awesome job, she is a moving billboard to most that "I AM BLIND". Well, there is the large number of people asking first, Oh you have a guide dog in training, and then when I tell them no, I get that puzzled look. Then after an explanation, it's the response that they would never have known I had a visual problem, that I masked it so well.
That being said, so this weekend we had Mike and Meaghan's bday party. I grew up with two parents who were very much perfectionists. Ok I admit, a lot of that rubbed off on me too, though after being married to Mike for 10 yrs, it's eased off quite a bit, until we have people come over to our house for things such as bday parties. Then I go into hyper mode, wanting everything to be perfect. For a long time, I'd thought it was because of the perfectionism that has been instilled from long ago. But this last weekend, after snapping at Mike on the phone and then bawling my head off at Honey getting into the cakes, and then having a royally po'd hubby at me when he got home after having had his head snapped off. Needless to say, there were some discussions after all was gone and the kids had gone to bed for the night.
I dont know what made me come to the realization, but it became really clear that I was super stressing because I feel like I'm under a microscope right now in terms of being able to take care of my house, my kids, and so forth. I know it all sounds silly, but it bothers me. When the eye specialist told me a year ago that I shouldn't be watching kids under the age of 3, having followed 2 trips to the er and several close calls with my kids. It had planted that seed of doubt there on what my capabilities were.
Then through the year, we had a lady from the playgroup come in and clean our house several times, as I was having more and more difficulty seeing to do it. Goodness, don't ask me to clean windows. I've done that to have Mike come home and tell me there were streaks on all of them. :( So where this is all going, is that I guess I feel like people are watching me to gauge how capable I am to do the things I've always done. I want to just scream out sometimes that I'm normal and that I am able to do the things I've always done still. It frustrates me to no end when I pick up all the little pieces of a game that Alex has drug out and scattered all over the floor, to think I have it all picked up and find another piece. It makes me second guess myself a lot.
I guess I'm in that "in limbo" phase if you will. But I am fighting hard and a good part of the tears, fears, and nastiness that came out this past weekend, towards those around me was coming from the fear of being judged on how my house looks, if I'm able to clean anymore, take care of the kids, and so forth. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I know no one would say anything to me, which I think may bother me more. I've had to have talks with Mike about this as well, to go ahead and tell me when I do miss some things, or I do get upset and mad when he's going behind me and re-doing them, me not realizing that I did miss it. I dont know how to express this in words honestly. It's not wrong of people to do this, as it's human nature, I guess it the whole thing of independence. I almost feel like I have to prove my independence at times, not just to family, but to the world in general.
A good example of this is when I was flying to NY to get Honey. While she totally meant well, the flight attendant, who was very nice and all and made sure I was aware of everything going on and such, she came and sat down in the seat next to me. She grabbed my hand and put it up to the call buttons and such, telling me where things were up over my head. I didnt have the heart to tell her that I could see, which she knew I could see a bit, but because I was using my cane, she was going off the assumption that I could not.
I guess it's just hard to define to people when to help and when not to. I know I had always tried to help people and I do very much appreciate the help that comes from people in many ways. But there are times that the help that comes, just rattles my cage and can be almost humiliating. But how do you tell people that and not hurt thier feelings for trying to help? It feels like being between a rock and a hard spot a lot. Thankfully my family has been really good at offering help, and asking what help we need. Mike and I have also become a lot better at expressing what help we need, instead of trying to do it all on our own. We do feel guilty though and worry about over-extending our requests for help, which goodness seems to be needed in bursts as opposed to a thing here and a thing there. So up front now, Thank you to all, who are reading this, for all that you do for us!
Ok I guess I'm rambling, but I guess I came to the realization that I feel on the spot and was stressing over it, and taking it out on those around me. Ok something to work on for the future right?